Everyman's Fantasy

An hour before the 2009 NFL season kicks off (at 2:30 AM Swiss Time!), and after seven drafts of my playoff predictions, I've finally had enough. Read, enjoy, and use as your end-all be-all gambling guide.

NFC East:
1. Philadelphia (11-5)- The additions of Vick and McCoy have gotten all the attention, but it is Jason Peters who Donovan will be thanking Jeffrey Lurie for.
2. NY Giants (10-6)- Great running game. Great defense. Bad quarterback. Worse receivers. Welcome to 10-6.
3. Dallas (10-6)- Hey Jerry, look on the bright side. The low-hanging scoreboard won't create any controversy during the playoffs.
4. Washington (7-9)- Don't worry. An uncapped 2010 means the Redskins will finally hit .500.

NFC North:
1. Green Bay (13-3)- Aaron Rodgers: Brett Favre minus the Vicodin, drama and gray hair.
2. Minnesota (8-8)- Tavaris Jackson, I mean Brett Favre, will lose as many games as he wins for the Vikes.
3. Detroit (5-11)- Out of the cellar! The football team, not the city.
4. Chicago (4-12)- Optimism is high because Jay Cutler and Earl Bennett have been reunited. The same Jay Cutler and Earl Bennett who went 5-6 during their one year together at Vanderbilt.

NFC South:
1. Atlanta (11-5)- Think Arthur Blank would like a mulligan on the LT for Vick trade?
2. New Orleans (10-6)- Double-digit wins while playing no defense. Yes, they can!
3. Carolina (8-8)- For those of you who thought Aaron Brooks was the only quarterback capable of single-handedly losing a football game, I present to you Mr. Jake Delhomme.
4. Tampa Bay (5-11)- Is Jeff Garcia really worth 4 wins? Sadly, yes.

NFC West:
1. Arizona (11-5)- Kurt Warner's Canton inscription: I took THE RAMS and THE CARDINALS to the Super Bowl.
2. San Francisco (7-9)- Shaun Hill's career passer rating is 90.5. I wouldn't believe it either, so for posterity's sake, I've provided this link.
3. St. Louis (5-11)- I repeat: Kurt Warner won a Super Bowl WITH THE RAMS!
4. Seattle (5-11)- "We'll take the ball...and we're gonna score"... enough to win 5 games.

AFC East:
1. New England (11-5)- Unfortunately for the rest of the AFC, KC is not on New England's schedule this year.
2. Buffalo (7-9)- TO in a town where bars stay packed until 4. Now that is reality t.v.
3. Miami (6-10)- Chad Pennington, the Jaime Moyer of the NFL.
4. New York Jets (5-11)- Over/under on Mark Sanchez's TD passes this season: 14. Matt Leinart career touchdown passes: 14

AFC North:
1. Pittsburgh (12-4)- Take solace, Pirates fans, all eight of you.
2. Cincinnati (8-8)- Bengals get the "Hard Knocks" bump, good for atleast 3 projected wins.
3. Baltimore (7-9)- Did you know that Ray Lewis once killed a man with his bare hands?
4. Cleveland (3-13)- Congrats, Brady! You just won the right to get pummeled into submission for the first four games of the year.

AFC South
1. Indianapolis (13-3)- Peyton Manning, Anthony Gonzalez, and Dallas Clark. Their offense is almost as white as their uniforms!
2. Houston (10-6)- The only team in the NFL to never make the playoffs finally squeaks in, promptly gets pummeled.
3. Jacksonville (10-6)- The Jags number one wide receiver is an ex-Arkansas quarterback with an affinity for white powder. Why do I have them at 10-6 again?
4. Tennessee (7-9)- A sober Kerry Collins takes this team deep in the playoffs. A relapsed Kerry? Well, you see where I stand.

AFC West
1. San Diego (13-3)- Rich Kotite coaching this team would make me feel more comfortable about my Super Bowl pick than Norv Turner.
2. Oakland (7-9)- If the shock of a 7-9 record isn't enough to kill the old man, I don't know what is.
3. Denver (4-12)- Kyle. Orton. or. Chris. Simms. Thank. You. Josh. McDaniels.
4. Kansas City (3-13)- And a Chanticleer shall lead them...

Playoffs? Playoffs? We're talking playoffs?

NFC:
1. Green Bay
2. Atlanta
3. Philadelphia
4. Arizona
5. New York Giants
6. New Orleans Saints

AFC:
1. San Diego
2. Indianapolis
3. Pittsburgh
4. New England
5. Houston
6. Jacksonville

Wild Card Round:
NFC:
Philadelphia over New Orleans
Arizona over New York Giants

AFC:
Pittsburgh over Jacksonville
New England over Houston

Divisional Round:
NFC:
Philadelphia over Atlanta
Arizona over Green Bay

AFC:
San Diego over New England
Indianapolis over Pittsburgh

Championship Round:
NFC:
Philadelphia over Arizona

AFC:
San Diego over Indianapolis

Super Bowl:
Philadelphia over San Diego

Handing out the Hardware:

Coach of the Year: Mike McCarthy (Packers)
MVP: LaDanian Tomlinson
Offensive Player of the Year: Steven Jackson
Defensive Player of the Year: Shawne Merriman
Offensive Rookie of the Year: James Davis